It’s January First 2019, I woke up this morning knowing exactly what I had to do. For the past few months I could feel the growing desire to finally put my efforts behind my life coaching business. It was easy enough to ignore the feelings as we had a lot of transitions happening at our wellness center, and I was the driving force behind the change. The change is 95% complete and I was at an impasse, pick up a new distraction to keep me from the thing I really wanted, of dig in. Stop talking. Start doing. I decided to start doing. In order to do, a cleanse was in order. A cleanse from social media. INSERT PANIC HERE. Social media is like my prozac, when I don’t feel like I can deal with the pressure of running a business, building a business, and running a family of 8, I turn to social media to calm me, distract me, tell me it’s okay (or make me feel worse, depends on the day). When I feel stressed and like it’s too much to handle Facebook is there for me, when I can’t sleep at night because I am doing the budget and running numbers in my head, Instagram quiets the calculator in my head. Waiting for someone to finish gymnastics? Instagram my friend is with me. Can’t decide what to make for dinner? Facebook helps me put I off a little longer. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

At 9:30 this morning I knew, what I’ve known for a few weeks now, me and Facebook and Instagram needed some time apart. I could have quietly deleted the apps from phone. Never telling a soul, creating some security so in a few days if I just couldn’t hang I could quietly download the apps again and no one would know I was cheating myself out of the things I truly desired. TO provide accountability and follow through on my part I loudly declared “I’m deleting social media and staying off of it for 30 days.” My husband said, that will be so good for you. He then casually threw a few things out that he was going to give up, but momentarily placing the distraction in my hands. He then started to say that he too would join me in the 30 days of social media sobriety. I was so grateful to no longer feel that I was going it alone. I have done this in the past, I usually have him change my passwords to avoid the temptations, but as we would lie in bed at night, I would struggle as he would mindless scroll and I tried to busy myself with something that would fill the time.

To further the fun I notified my teenagers tonight that they would be Instagram free Sunday night through Friday, or they could choose to join us in the full 30 days. I gave everyone fair warning, as I have done this before, that about 4 days in I get a little cranky. I want a fix, my hand is tired of picking up my phone and tapping where the little icons of joy used to be only to find that I am opening up the banking app or the weather. There is that moment of shame, when I realize how frequently and habitually I pick up my phone to check out. Little bits of justification come in, that I was still getting things done, and being mom is hard. Both true. But, how many years did I parent without my little buddy FB and Insta? Maybe that’s why a few years ago I didn’t dread the “interruption” of going to the grocery store, finding something to make for dinner was a little more fun (sometimes), and falling asleep at a decent time was easier because I wasn’t holding a distraction in my hands.

It’s definitely not goodbye forever, I know that one of the next steps in building my business lies directly in the path of having a strong online presence, here, there, and everywhere. I am taking the time now to develop pathways in my life that are filled with speed bumps of me picking up my phone when things feel to hard to deal with right now. I’m sure my viewership of HGTV and Chopped on the Food Network will see a slight increase, but commercials are there to give you a few minutes to get things done until the big reveal.

My big goal for the next few days is to develop a really solid list of things to be done in place of picking up my phone and tapping my way out of reality. This list will be the actual, fill in the holes that dog made in the wall and paint things, along with pay the library fine and check out a fiction book to read during down time.

I have set some exciting and long-waited goals for myself this year. I am taking the first step to ensure my success.  My fortune on New Years Eve is saying it’s so. I am taking up bubble blowing to fill in the gaps, and maybe I’ll start taking more selfies 🙂

 

Stay tuned, I will be back to document the progress of saying no to habit and avoidance and saying yes to progress and success. (in case of emergency I will have my password changed by my husband, it makes it so much easier when I know that even if I want to I can’t get back to it). Like right now, the itch to post about this post all over Facebook is STRONG!

 

In December of 2014 my husband and I traveled to San Francisco for his work, and a break for me. I was interested in finding a labyrinth in the city and was not disappointed. We found ourselves at a beautiful Catholic Cathedral, Grace Cathedral, to be exact (Grace Cathedral). We experienced so much more than the labyrinth while we were there, it offered a time of quiet reflection that we both were seeking. Upon entering the Cathedral I was captivated by a large Christmas tree covered in origami paper cranes. Next to the cranes was a description of why the tree was filled with them and the significance of the crane.

The Japanese legend was that if someone would fold 1,000 cranes the would have a wish granted. Sadako Sasaki developed leukemia after the atomic bomb was dropped in Hiroshima. She set out to fold 1,000 cranes with her wish to be healed. She died before completing her task and her classmates folded the remains 356 she needed to reach 1,000. On each of her cranes she wrote messages of hope. The tree pictured above in 2014 was covered in cranes with the wishes and the dreams of the world. When we left the Cathedral I knew that somehow I wanted to incorporate cranes into the traditions of our family.

In 2014 on New Years Eve we had our first folding of the cranes. All 8 of us wrote on a piece of origami papers our wishes and our dreams for the upcoming 365 days. Once the messages were complete I folded them into cranes and we hung them in our dining room window. I was convinced that I would remember what was written, but as the days of 2015 turned into months I forgot what I had wished for as did the other 7 participants. On New Years Eve 2015 we took our cranes down and reviewed what we had wished for 12 months prior. There was laughing, and delight at the things we had forgotten that had happened without conscious effort. There was giggles at the embarrassing thing that, to my children, our far younger selves had dreamed up. Once we had them opened we read them together and tossed the unfolded crane into the fire releasing our dreams and quickly turning to the wishes of the coming year.

Cranes from December 2018.       Cranes from December 2017.

Last year I had the thought to record everyone as the read their opened cranes. I will have to remember to do that next year. When the cranes are freshly written often the words feel to private to share. Over the course of the year the secrecy softens and sharing is much easier.

 

I knew the next morning was going to be rough because we were getting the kids to bed so late and I was mentally exhausted. I also knew that because of the chaos of the night I would be getting a 2 am wake up call from the 5 month old puppy.  I was close the dog got up at 2:30.  Some nights I don’t have a hard time going back to sleep, other nights it’s more difficult. This was a night in the middle. I don’t remember going back to sleep, but I do remember being awake thinking about the next days schedule.  When the alarm went off I struggled to get my eyes open to push the snooze button.  Before the snooze time had run out my 7 year old, and one of our cats made it known that it was in fact time to get up.  I struggled.  I struggled to get up, I struggled to wrap my mind around getting the kids to school, I struggled to find the get up and go to get up and go.  I finally did but 10 minutes later than I “needed” to.  Thank you Curious George and PBS for keeping my early riser occupied until I got up.  As I slowly got up I started to question the dependance that I had created of my oldest three. I am the alarm, and on days that the alarm is tired it wakes them up late, it’s not a great system, especially when “the alarm” was supposed to switch someones laundry when she got up at 6:30. It was now 7:20. The newly proclaimed pescatarian was searching to find a lunch box as school lunch had suddenly become unacceptable. A small argument occurred on the order of operations and how lunch box finding was at the end of getting ready not the beginning.  Another small eruption over the lack of French toast sticks, that turned into a lack of oatmeal portion size occurred. Tears on the couch for no reasons were a backdrop to matching/appropriate school clothing conversations. Trying to silently remove my mind while keeping me psychically there I sipped hot coffee and prayed I would be able to suppress the yell in my throat.  We made it to the car, and were so close to successfully leaving when the daily disagreement about who was sitting where started up.  Still being mindful of the yell in my throat I told them I would count to 5 and then be pulling away from the curb.  They barely made it in, but they did it and we were on our way.  With the chaos of the morning I was happy to see we were on time and soon I would be home in the quiet.

Suddenly it became apparent that our normal commute was backed up and we were headed on an alternate route to school.  As gratitude for our safety overcame me, the yell in my throat dissolved while I worked on keeping us safe on the rest of the journey.  As we neared the school talked turned from the car accident, and distracted driving to police officers and their presence at the school.  We made it to the drop off spot, arrangements were made to get everyone checked into school and I headed back home. I was a little frustrated that I missed my favorite part of the morning radio show I listen to on the way home, but feeling relief at successfully dropping the kids off. I walked in the door at home and it was quiet. The silence enveloped me and I was able to finally wrap my mind around scheduling the kids bi-annual dental check-up. Feeling buoyed by that success I looked up the college counselor we needed to schedule with and reached out to her, feeling like I was on a role I switched laundry, started a new load, and ate breakfast. I sat down to map out the rest of my day, and while my brain was wildly planning all of the things I was about to do my body settled in to recoup from the chaos. I eventually succumbed to the sitting and the phone rang, a friend on the other line, as I said hello my brain reminded me of our to do list for the day. As the conversation developed my brain quieted down. She talked I listened, I talked she listened, the other line beeped; the kids school. I let it go to voicemail as the automated call was probably to remind me of up coming student led conferences or an upcoming fundraiser. Two minutes later the other line beeped again, it was one of my oldest. Was she calling to tell me that the automated call was due to a tardy or an absence?

She said “did you get the message?”

“I got the call, I haven’t listened to the message yet, what’s going on?”

“The school is on lock down, kids stole guns that go to our school and they’re out there.”

As I tried to shove the tears out of my voice I asked her again what was going on, where was she? Where were all my other kids? Is everyone safe? Is she okay? Yes everyone is safe, yes she is okay.

I quickly ended the call with my friend, trying and failing to keep the quiver out of my voice the lump out of my throat, the tears out of my eyes. The message, thank you Apple that the transcription worked. The message boiled down to “not an active situation”. Breathing, calming, news, the news must be covering this. Turn on the news, small blip in the slow crawl on the bottom of my screen. Google, google always knows. Search, story, answers, more questions. Battery dying. Find charger. Phone rings, other oldest on the phone.

“Did you get the message”

Calmer this time around, I gave and got all of the details either of us had. She was okay.

Had my 3rd child emailed me? Why do I keep her phone at home while she is at school? This isn’t supposed to happen. Check email, she’s there. Is it that boy? Yes. Are you okay? Yes.

Call husband does he know? He knows. He is the calm voice of reason. The kids are safe at school that’s where they’ll stay. Going to pick them up now will add to the chaos. I keep checking the news, are they really okay? Yes they really are okay.

Finding the quiet in the chaos. I must move my body to slow my mind. Shoes on, dog on leash. Moving, calming, moving, calming, back and forth I feel the quiet settle in. I re-enter my house and am enveloped in the same quiet that was there after school drop off. I sit in it.

The phone rings, the school again, this time I answer hoping for more answers on the end of the line. I must show ID to pick my kids up from school. Child calls;

“mom, you have to pick us up.”

Trying my best to keep it together the calm vanishes, I shove the tears aside, “yes, yes I know.”

Another child calms, I detail the plan as though I had prepared for this all day, another child calls. As I reassure her that I have a plan, I am reassuring myself I have a plan. The tears managed to stay back while I assured my kids I was there for them.

I feel it. I want my mom. I call, try to act casual, two minutes in I’m sobbing. Sobbing and asking my mom if she can go buy popsicles because after I pick my kids up from school I need to bring them to her house so they can eat popsicles. So she can hold me while I hold them and make sure they are okay. My mom, my angel, is off to get popsicles.

I arrive at the school and from a distance can see the full parking lot and feel the reverence and gravity of the situation. Bodies moving slowly. As I walked through the parking lot I had to fight the urge to hug every police officer and teacher I passed. They were calm and collected I would act the same. As I worked through the ID check out process I chuckle at how a little “red tape” can sure do a lot to remove the emotion from a situation! Children are checked out and safely in my arms. Three of my kids don’t know what’s happened, they recanted what they were told; “it was a red air day, but it wasn’t and that is why we had to stay inside.” The oldest three asked questions and answered questions I tried and failed to manage the information shared because I hadn’t been able to tell the youngest three what had gone on.

We spill out of the car at my mom’s house, her and my dad both outside, and child number 5 falls into my arms, tears streaming down her face. “Mom, I’m scared.” Through  my tears that I’d been pushing around all day I told her she was safe. I told her all the reasons she was safe, reminding myself all the reasons she is safe.

Details are shared, speculations are made, politics are put aside. Popsicles and cookies are eaten. The quiet in the chaos is found.

At the beginning of every year I come up with a mantra for the year. I find this to be more effective in creating change than coming up with resolutions. The mantra usually evolves a bit over the year, but it’s a reminder of what I am focusing on and the evolution, shows progress.  This year started out as “better choices”.  I was happy with the direction my life was headed at the end of 2016 but reflecting on the year I was able to see that I had the opportunity to up my game a bit and make better choices thereby getting better results.  The first evolution happened shortly into January of 2017. I replaced it with “better results, better choices.” I was recognizing areas that I wanted improvement but didn’t want to do anything different (hello exercise!).  This helped me push through frustration I was having at seeing others succeed in areas that I wasn’t. They were obtaining better results due to better choices.

I on again off again exercised but nothing to strenuous and definitely nothing routine.  On August 21, the first day of school, I knew that I wanted to set a different end of the day routine for my kids (better results, better choices). I told them that upon getting a snack and taking a little breather they either had to run a mile or bike four.  Complaints and declarations of inability shortly followed.  My response, “I’ll do it with you.”  An eerie quiet fell over the car. Doubting what I had said they repeated “you’ll do it with us?” A little background: I am (was) a self professed non runner.  I was proud of my non running status. I can walk for days, bike absolutely, elliptical, etc. pretty much anything to avoid the run. I have warned that if you ever see me running don’t ask questions and start running with me! So, I’m sure you can imagine my children’s shock at my offer. Due to this offer everyone of my children (6 in total ages 6-15) joined in. They waited for me to put on the proper attire, still not fully trusting me, and lined up out front with me.  Due to different speeds we all agreed to a chalk tally mark by our chalk initials to mark our progress. And then, we were off.

I’ve got sprinters and I’ve got walkers, so we all finished at different times. All the kids were very happy with the fact that they beat mom. They were all happy that I participated and finished.  I was shocked and surprised that I finished and with my time. At the end of the mile I felt like my chest and lungs might explode and my legs were going to fall off, but I also felt an amazing, growing, sense of pride, in myself.  The last time I had run a mile was my junior year of high school it had taken me over 15 minutes, and I think that was the day I swore off running. This time I had completed the mile in 14 minutes and 58 seconds. In that moment a record breaking miracle. I feel pride in a lot of things, but realized that I didn’t give myself many opportunities to feel pride in myself, in something that I’d done for myself and no one else.

The bigger moments have actually followed that day.  One of them was two days later when I put my shoes on and did it again. I really did not like the way I felt while I was doing it, but the way I felt after propelled me to keep on doing it. Not only have I kept doing it but I’ve gotten faster and gone farther. My goal was, and still is, 1 mile 5 days out of the week under 13 minutes.  For the first month I was dedicated and consistent. I have had some ups and downs and had a few weeks where I only made the run once. Instead of giving up because I had failed (that was my past pattern) I have been aware, made the necessary adjustments, and gotten back at it. To further push myself I have signed up for my first 5K. There is a part of me, the part that compares myself to everyone else, that thinks it’s silly to do this because everyone else is out there having fun on Thanksgiving. For me this is a race, something I have concerns about finishing, concerns about starting, and concerns about how it all works. I’ve asked that part of me to take a break, sit this one out, and allow that part of me that is committed to success and trying something new to take over.

As I headed into the gym last week I evolved my mantra for the year again to “better results, better choices, better actions.” I did not want to go to the gym. I did not want to run. I did not want to take the action. I did however want the result and the benefit. I was once again reminded that I can’t complain about the results I am getting if I am not actively engaged in getting the result.  It’s a bit disappointing that I can’t get the benefits of running if I am sitting on the couch looking at pictures of runners on Instagram.  What’s not disappointing is the pride I feel in myself that I am taking the steps to accomplish something I had convinced myself that I couldn’t do.

My purpose with power. I read a powerful reminder today; don't see my self-doubt as a stop sign but a hurdle to over come. This post is me crawling over the hurdle, a shout out to myself to get it out of my head and down on "paper". The beauty of what goes on in my mind does nothing for nobody when I'm keeping it to myself. I'm moving forward remembering "Why fit in when you were born to stand out!"

I am often surprised that in the positive thinking, you bring about what you think about community, there is a world of advice on what to stop doing.  I was reminded of this again yesterday when I saw a post about 5 things to quit right now.  This reminded me of my high school child development class, and how to ask a child to stop doing something.  You don’t.  Instead of telling a young child what not to do you give them an alternative of what to do.  For example, what not to say, “Johnny stop using those scissors to cut your sisters hair” what to say “Johnny use the scissors to cut this paper and make me a surprise.”  Now Johnny gets to use scissors and his sister doesn’t have a new hair style (and it’s always this easy <insert sarcasm font>).

This tactic has bounced around in my head for years and served me well, and honestly I think as an adult I have benefited far more from focusing on what to start doing instead of what to quit.  After what I read yesterday I decided that rather than give some trite advice on what you should wake up today and not do, I would provide some suggestion on what you to do, with one more reminder, use baby steps.  The thing that may prevent us from progress is the thought that it all has to be done, and perfected, today, right now, hurray up, no mistakes.  Instead wake up and make a choice to do one or two small things, in a more helpful, congruent manner will help encourage you to keep going because lots of small victories are much better than sitting on the couch trying to figure out how to quit doing something that you’ve always done.

1. Be pleased with yourself.  When you have that really amazing thought today, especially if it’s about something that seems insignificant, pat yourself on the back and be pleased that your amazing brain was amazing. Seeing how awesome you are will help you see how awesome others are. When you begin to see the goodness in yourself you will better recognize it in others.
2. Embrace Change.  Especially the small kind (like deciding what to have for dinner at 4 pm instead of 6 pm). The change that only you will notice because it’s so small AND so important to helping you guide your ship the direction you want it to go.  When you do this see #1, and pat yourself on the back for being AMAZING.
3. Live in the present.  Show up today and make today all about today, right now.  Not 5 minutes from now, not yesterday or last week but today.  Start by doing this for 3 minutes a day.  Stand outside, see the trees, smell the smells, feel the weather, touch the ground, and be fully present in that moment.  As you bring yourself present with today, out in nature, you’ll get to see the small changes that everyday brings, and you’ll probably have a really amazing thought.  See #1, pat yourself on the back for being AMAZING.
4. Put yourself UP. Look at yourself in the mirror, directly in the eyes, and say “I matter.”  Because you do.  You’re probably going to have a really amazing thought, and before you tell it to go away, STOP!  See #1 be pleased with how awesome you are that you looked at yourself and thought good things about YOU!
5. Baby steps.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  When you start to shut down STOP looking at the big picture, find the little picture and pick a baby step out of that and move towards that.  You’ll have a good thought see #1 pat yourself on the back and think about how much you matter.

When you have that good thought and want to share, but are scared and don’t know who to share it with, share it with me.  I am here to tell you that the baby steps will get your there, you matter, and it’s okay to say how amazing you are.

Today after work and school, and an hour of quality time with our respective electronic devices, I summoned my kids to go play at the school playground while I got in my exercise. Upon arriving I was disappointed to see two other moms there with their children. It’s not personal it’s a comfort zone. If I’m there by myself I can let my thoughts stray from this to that and keep an ear out for my children. What happened instead startled me and reminded me of something I had advised my teenagers on several times this year. 

If someone at school says you are weird or something is wrong or ugly or blah blah blah about you doesn’t make it so. In fact it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Reason being; if they reject you first they no longer risk the chance of you rejecting them. If they haven’t said something specifically to you then decide for them how they feel about you reject yourself in their behalf.  The proxy rejecting prevents the chance of a real rejection keeping you safe in a land of rejection, the very thing you’re looking to avoid.  

How does this apply to moms at the playground?  As I started my walk with my earbuds in enjoying the warmth of the sun I suddenly checked in with my thoughts and they were unkind things about the strangers at the playground. Grateful for the awareness I corrected my thought pattern, I would not be pre-rejecting anyone today. A short distance later I found myself deciding for them all that must be wrong with me, pre-rejecting myself on their behalf. 

The bad news is I’m still learning lessons that first showed up when I was young. The good news is I have teenagers to remind me of how to get through it.